What are the steps leading to adultery that should be understood to be avoided?

There are 12 common stages that usually occur in sequence as a relationship moves toward an adulterous affair.

These stages often occur over a long period of time, but a man and a woman can go through several relationship stages on the same evening. Becoming aware of these stages will help us recognize what might be going on with us so that we can stop the process before we get bogged down over our heads. Our two enemies here are rationalization and denial. We rationalize when we give acceptable reasons for unacceptable behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. Denial is often our intense refusal to acknowledge the truth about our behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. A brother shared with me how far rationalization can be from reason. A woman thought that God understood and accepted her many adventures because, after all, he was the one who had created her with this need to have other men. A man said, "It's okay, because every time we have sex, we end up praying together." Rationalization works hand in hand with denial to alter our sense of reality and make us less and less able to recognize that we are headed for a downfall. It's amazing how far we can explain and justify our sinful behavior. Rationalization and denial play a role at every stage of the process of involvement. 1. Open state The first stage is emotional openness. When we detect a small inclination to distance ourselves from the relationship with the woman we love, we can take action to protect ourselves during this time of vulnerability. We can strive to understand what is happening to us and focus our energy on regaining full health in our relationship. 2. The state of vigilance This second stage in an adventure in process is the growing awareness of a particular person in the field of our relationships. We just start by thinking about her occasionally. Innocent thoughts can turn into fantasies about him. As it becomes more present in our conscious thoughts, it begins to appear in our dreams as well. Dreams are often filled with sexual fantasies. Sometimes a man at this stage will take photographs of groups where this woman is present at a reception or a family reunion or during a vacation. The man will often come back to look at the photos. It is not unusual for the man at this stage to try to mentally capture the woman who is becoming a strong focus. Masturbation is common during fantasies about this woman. The rationalization developed at this point is that there is nothing wrong with fantasizing. It's very human. 3. Innocent Encounters During the time of the other woman's waking awareness, there can be some truly innocent, unexpected encounters, often legitimate business contacts that can potentially build a relationship. At this stage there may be a bit of flirtation developing, prolonged eye contact, exchange of seemingly innocuous sexual innuendos, flirtatious body language. The two people involved at this point would deny any real interest in each other. 4. Intentional encounters Encounters occur frequently and appear to be random, when in reality a person is acting in such a way as to increase the chances of contact. This stage is illustrated in a humorous way in the films. A man is shown waiting for hours on a street corner. When the woman appears, he walks over to her and feigns surprise as if she were the last person in the world he expected to see. In real life this stage could be humorous if it weren't so sad. A teenager especially takes pleasure in this kind of game. It proves that the excitement produced by the attraction of the opposite sex can subjugate our rational side. Sexual attraction can easily drive us crazy. At this point a person enters a real danger zone. 5. The delayed time spent together in public places The man and woman now spend time together when they are in groups. They tend to close themselves off from others by turning away from the group and avoiding eye contact with others. There is a growing common interest at this point. Topics of conversation include personal history, interests in sports, politics and business. Observant people might notice something unusual about the relationship rendered at this point. I had the experience of trying to infiltrate a conversation between a man and a woman at this point and was treated like an unwanted intruder. But the man and woman will continue to deny any suggestion that what is going on between them is more than any normal adult relationship. The man thinks, “It's okay to focus my attention on her. Nothing can happen. We are with other people. 6. The delayed time spent alone together in public places The man and woman quickly realize that they are still together long after the others are gone. There is now a growing excitement in being the two of you alone together. It's an attractive, seductive sensation. The conversation changes the subject, we move from ideas to feelings. The loving care is shared by both. By means of conversation there is entry into the private and personal realms. The man and the woman still feel ok about their relationship because the dating started in public. 7. Intentional isolation Now both the man and the woman are beginning to schedule time alone for "legitimate" purposes. The man asks the woman if she can meet him to help him settle his marital problems. Or the woman asks the man to stay after office hours to lend her his expertise on a certain project she is trying to complete. The couple will still deny any suggestion that their relationship is not completely appropriate. At home, this man's wife may notice a decline in verbal and non-verbal communication. He's suddenly more detached, cold, almost formal in his relationship with her. There are incomplete phone calls. I stayed with a couple recently while I was doing some work at their church. The husband arrived at the home on Friday exhausted from his work. He went straight to bed and slept for about an hour and a half. Then he would get up, grab a quick bite and go back to work. He also worked on Saturday afternoons and he also had to work on Sundays. When he was home, I felt he was deeply troubled. He was aloof and did not engage in conversations around him. His wife was worried for him to see him work so much at night and to see the stress he imposed on himself. She often talked to him about finding another job that wouldn't take up so much of his time. She was worried about her health. I was not surprised to learn from her a few months later that her husband had been involved in a secret affair and had left the house. 8. Insulation for fun Now the man and the woman schedule time alone for the simple joy of being together. The relationship becomes like a euphoria of youth. They share an exciting and adventurous experience together. There is more privacy. The man and the woman are touching each other. There is warm touching of the hand, the arm or the hand slipping around the waist. During this stage, the wife will realize that there are large portions of time that are not justified. There will be a marked drop in the pleasant times spent in marriage. The man and woman will continue to rationalize their relationship by saying that adults need good friends of the opposite sex. There is nothing wrong with having good friends. 9. Affectionate hugs Secret desires for each other become intense. The hugs drag on. There are more and more touches and caresses for pleasure. Childish games like tickling and wrestling often occur at this stage to build physical contact. The rationale here is that there's nothing wrong with physically expressing support for each other. At the same time with their spouse, there will be a drop in affectionate hugs and in physical contact. 10. Passionate embraces Affectionate touching and hugging lead to passionate exchanges. When alcohol gets involved, a couple moves quickly through these stages. Anything that reduces inhibition helps to increase physical desire and its expression. The couple will further rationalize by saying that it's okay to let each other stimulate each other because it's innocent and unplanned. "On the other hand, my wife doesn't make me feel like that anymore," the man will think. 11. Surrender The couple engages in sexual relations. Denial is eliminated at this point. There is no way they can deny the reality of what is happening between them then. 12. Acceptance Here, the man and woman admit to themselves and each other that they are truly having an affair together. If they continue their relationship from this point, it is the fruit of mutual consent. Here the emotional investment in the affair is at its peak, and the emotional investment in the marriage is at its lowest point. At this point, the wife is almost always aware of it. Her husband is no longer at home. He frequently left all night without explaining himself. He can even find a creative way to allow his wife to discover the adventure. The strain of leading a double life is usually too much for a person to bear for long. Is this the end of the story? Will the man and the woman live happily ever after? nope. The story of an adventure is not a comedy, it is a tragedy.